It's been an interesting few days, can I start there?
I opened this page to start writing this hours ago. This is kind of hard.
I'll start at the beginning.
I was born.
Oops, that might be a bit too far back.
About a year ago, at a regular appointment, my doctor found a lump on my thyroid. My thyroid is next in line for my body to attack since it has already annihilated my ovaries. So he's been watching it's function for probably two years now.
I was a bit concerned but discussed with a friend and she said she had one too. I was scheduled for an ultrasound 6 months from that date so I forgot about it and moved on with life.
6 months later, I go for the results of the ultrasound and received confirmation that yes, there is a growth. Tears form in my eyes at this point.
He went on to tell me that it's very small, 1 cm (or maybe he just told me it was 1cm and I inferred small?!) and that the chance of, gulp, cancer, is only 5%. At that point, there would be no biopsy and we would do another ultrasound in 6 months. If it grew, it was biopsy city.
I went out to our brand new Pilot (we had only had it for about a month at that point) called Jay to tell him the news. I thought I was okay. I still swear I was fine.
It's called denial or shock, people, trust me you don't even know you are doing it.
I guess denial is the right word then....
I hung up with Jay and backed up to head home. And backed into a parking divider that was about 3 ft high. Shit.
Good thing the Pilot is equipped with a back up camera, no? Apparently it only works if you actually look at the display screen. Who knew?
I didn't even stop to assess the damage, I drove home cursing in my head the whole way at already wrecking the new vehicle.
I got home and checked. I only broke the plastic cover over the hitch. WHEW.
I was upset for a day or two and then just sort of put it out of my mind. Again, denial. From the outside, you are all thinking, how? Why? What is wrong with you?
Trust me, I would think the same thing. Turns out when it's you, you deal with things in strange, not necessarily rational, ways.
I told only a few people, maybe 3, and then never talked about it again. This is weird for Kami who has taken over sharing to new levels in various other aspects of her life.
And now she's talking in the third person. God help her now!
Fast forward to last week and I had the second ultrasound follow up appointment. The day before I read this post by Angella about her friend recently diagnosed with, you guessed it, thyroid cancer.
No, I didn't freak out at all. (bold faced lie)
The week before, during the ultrasound, I had a bad feeling. Then this post was like a sign. I arranged for Jay to meet me at the appointment. You know for the safety of the Pilot and everyone in a 50 feet radius of me behind the wheel.
The first thing the doctor checked was the results of the blood work and he remarkeds that my thyroid function is completely back to normal (it had been mildly low previously) and that I didn't need him anymore (Endocrinologist).
"WHAT ABOUT THE LUMP?" I asked politely.
Did you have an ultrasound he asks?
(And doctors wonder why we question their abilities. Seriously, do you not have my file right there? Do you not review said file before you come in to talk to me?)
"YES." I reply politely. Last week.
(Do people with cancer or those who might potentially have cancer still have to be polite? What? It's a valid question, isn't it?)
"Oh, yes, and they, and I, recommend a biopsy."
"Oh, did it grow?" I ask.
"No, but they, and I recommend a biopsy."
By they, I assume he means the radiologist that would have reviewed the ultrasound. And I kind of love how he had to add his own little shout out there each time too.
(he's fine, I am just being snarky)
This is where shock sets in. I had no reaction other than confusion that we now had to have a biopsy even though there was no growth in the growth (say that five times fast).
(is it really evident that I use humour to deal?)
We leave, Jay ensures I don't run over anything on the way out of the parking lot after hugging me and just being overall awesome as usual and I head home.
I try to work.
Text my mom. Text Jay ongoing as he keeps me from losing my shit all over the place.
I won't lie. I had a couple of really really rough days. Tears were common place. The whole feeling of I can't believe this is happening to me alternating between relax, this is a minor thing, it's treatable and you don't even know if you have it yet.
It was exhausting.
I found it hard to break the news and actually still have only told a handful of people, and those that I told, I did over text.
It was easier. We all deal in different ways and I am taking the approach that this is what works for me.
I wanted to blog about it Friday but I think it's good that I waited. I was too raw, too emotional then.
I have come a long way since then thanks to the amazing people in my life. I have to admit that being the one receiving the words of encouragement was hard for me. It's much easier being on the other end.
Thank you, I love each and every one of you and am so thankful you are in my life.
By Saturday morning I was feeling much better. As I ran up the hill during boot camp, I came to the conclusion that my body is strong and it can do this. If I have to fight cancer, I'll take this kind and I'll fight with all I have.
Now I coast waiting to hear when the biopsy will be. In the meantime, I will be living life, working out and eating clean (ish) and loving on all the amazing people in my life.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Fourteen short years ago today, I finally got to walk up the aisle and make it official with this guy.
I love the pure joy on my face. No cold feet here! And also it may have felt like a short fourteen years but damn if we don' look like young 'uns here. Not that we look old now, just older, more refined, like fine wine. Or something.
Jay, the time has flown by and I couldn't ask for a better best friend, husband and father to our boys. You exceed my expectations daily. I have to constantly check myself so that I don't take you for granted. I know how lucky I am, truly.
If I am half of what you are to me, to you, I call that success.
If I am half of what you are to me, to you, I call that success.
I wish for another 50 years just like the last fourteen. With you by my side, life is not just good, it's amazing.
Kamden and the cheesy smile, oh how I love it. And I should really dust off the real camera because these phone pictures are sub par at best and yet, still better than no pictures at all.
Happy Anniversary my love, you are truly my one and only forever and ever amen.