Do Bullies Know They Are Bullies?

Wednesday April 10th is Anti-Bullying Day or some such thing. The intent, I think, is to raise awareness of an issue that is as old as humans. Because humans can be real jerks, you know?

The kids were talking about it at breakfast today since Jack's class is participating in a flash mob this afternoon. I am also currently reading, for the second time, "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult and said out loud,

"I wonder if bullies know that they are bullies?"

Both boys looked at me like deer in the headlights.  Oh dear, here she goes on another one of her rants....

In the book, a 17 year old boy, does the unthinkable and goes on a shooting rampage in his school.  He was also the object of much torment on a daily basis (from his older brother among many others).  I don't condone what he did but I do think a lot about what nobody else did before this happened.

No one stopped or even tried to stop the humiliation that went on daily for this poor kid.

This is a fictional book, but let's be honest, we all know of or were someone who was treated the same way. In grade 11, I moved to a small town and saw this first hand.  And saw teachers who either didn't see it, ignored it, or basically participated in it.

It made me sick, and still does.  But I did what every coward does, I ignored it. I hope I never laughed, I certainly never found it funny.  I wish I would have had the courage to stand up and say what I really thought. I can say it now, but it is way too little, way too late.

"Stop, you jerk.  You are not funny and it's actually quite sad how little you think of  yourself.  Only people who have no self esteem themselves need to belittle others to make themselves feel better."

I am also very certain that I exhibited some pretty mean behaviour over the years and pretty sure that at the time, I didn't much care if I was being mean or not. Hopefully I learned from my mistakes but I am still in the learning process so....

My point, and I do have one, I think, is that Anti-Bullying day is great and wonderful but does it serve any purpose?  Do kids or adults who exhibit bully-like behaviour recognize that about themselves? Do they know they are a bully?

I sincerely doubt it.  And if they do, do they really care? I think by definition, a bully is someone who lacks compassion for others or they wouldn't be a bully in the first place, would they?

I wonder if wearing pink. making posters and dancing in a flash mob with your class will really has any impact at all on reducing this kind of behaviour.

My theory is that the fault lies in what we are teaching our children.  Justifying their behaviour with comments like, "Oh he's just being a boy" or "They are just having a little fun" are likely the real problem.

I am big believer in ensuring our boys see the consequences to their actions.  Hurting someone else is never okay especially where that was the intention.

The story, "Nineteen Minutes", is told from the perspective of the kids and parents of those who were shot as well as the boy who did the shooting and his parents.

I don't want to be the parent of either of those kids because both are equally heartbreaking.

During the trial, the boy who did the shooting makes an astute observation after hearing one of the boys who tormented him for years claim under oath, after being shot and seeing his friends die, that he was just having fun when he did all those horrid things to the shooter. 

He observed how little things had changed despite how much things had changed.

How poignant.  And I think it proves my point.  Yes, I know the book is fiction but I happen to think it's pretty dead on reality.  If getting shot isn't enough to make a bully recognize he's a bully, then a little pink and some posters sure as hell ain't gonna.

Don't get me wrong, awareness is a good thing,  I just don't think it's enough.

The one where Kamden threw snow at me....

Yes, another post on skiing. It's exciting for this family, what can I say. We have been slowly accumulating our own equipment on sale. A sporting store was closing out and we scored all of the below at 70% off. A steal of a deal.

Jay and I still need skis and a local ski shop was going to be at a hill in MB with their demo skis this past weekend so we took a trip.

 

It's a three hour drive so we drove up the night before and stayed in the adorably adorned hotel that screams Prairie alpine village.  What?  I'll let you figure that out.

 

We swam and slided and then had treats before bed.  It was a fun night.

 

 

In the morning we headed to the hill.  A hill with more than three runs we could do! We were excited.

 

We did a few runs and then headed to grab some skis to demo.  We strapped them on and headed to the chair.

 

That's where things went a bit awry.  It's a quad chair so all four of us were able to ride together.  This was not the first kick at the can as we had done a few runs already but something didn't go as planned and just after our skis left the ground I realized Kamden was not sitting on the chair but rather being pushed by it.  I grabbed his coat with one hand and decided there was no way I could pull him up.

 

 

 

Rather than hanging on to him longer and potentially meaning he would fall further, I let  go.  Don't ask why I didn't try to, you know, use two hands. I can't even remember my thought process beyond this.

 

The lift operators took him into the little hut and let us know they would keep him there till we returned.  So we rode up and skied our butts down as fast as we could. I am sure it was an eternity for him.

 

I knew he would be upset.  I had a similar incident as a kid only my dad fell off too. On top of me.  Apparently I was less that pleased by this and naturally blamed it all on my dad.

 

I expected no less from Kamden.

 

 

First he hugged me and cried.  Then he fell onto the snow and ....

 

Threw snow at me.

Yes, he threw snow at me.  I think he beat my reaction..  Pretty sure I just yelled or gave the look 'o death. 

I can't stop laughing about it.  I totally get why he was so upset.  And I couldn't be prouder that he got back on that lift and skied the rest of the day with a smile on his face.

Of course I was holding onto him with a vice grip the next eight times we loaded onto the chair, just in case.

And then, just because that wasn't enough fun, I accidentally took Jack on a black diamond run.  In my defense, it was not that difficult and in my opinion more of a blue run.  Jack hated it.  It was like he knew it wasn't the blue run I thought it was.  Later we figured out we turned left one run too soon.  Oops.  I guess he can cross that off his bucket list, you know, the one he wouldn't make in a million years because he's not the adventurous type.

Amazing family memories that have to be documented for future laughs.

It's Official, Skiing is our Sport

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that we took the boys for their first downhill skiing experience.

It was all in preparation for a school trip Jack was making.  He was anxious about it and in usual fashion for a kid who is not keen to try new things, he didn't even want to go.

In an attempt to forgo the lifelong commitment to this adage (because are you kidding me? Life is too short not to try new things!), we were making him go.  To ease his fears, we took both boys a couple weeks before the school trip so he would have some experience under his belt. We had a semi-private lesson for an hour and within that hour, both boys were turning nicely.  We skied the rest of the afternoon in the bitter cold and called it a success.

A few weeks later, Jack wanted to go again so we loaded up and headed out. This time we brought one of Jack's friends too.  He had tried snowboarding on the first school trip and wanted to try skiing.  We had about a half hour before the lesson so I took him through the basics and by the time the instructor arrived, all three boys were ready to head up the chair for more of a challenge.

 

Jack and his friend were good to go, no issues.  Kamden gets very nervous when we add a bit of a steeper incline.  He was not impressed with the whole situation.  I believe the words, "I HATE this" were uttered on more than one occasion.  A sport he doesn't like, who knew?

 

 

So we sent Jack and his friend for one more run with the instructor and Kamden went in for a break.  Then we tried again and it was no better.  And finally he had had enough and Jay took him back to the bunny hill while I skied with the older boys off the chair.  We even did a blue run and they both rocked it.

 

 

I am not worried.  He'll get there.  I was the same when I started.  Ornery and mouthy and angry.  I was also five and missing my two front teeth.  My parents laugh about it now (and probably then too - picture a toothless five year old yelling!) but I guess I'll add that to the tab of a million things I owe them for.

 

You know that Joe Pesci Snickers commercial?  That pretty much sums it up, just replace hungry with skiing.

 

 

On Wednesday he went skiing again with the school and came home asking when he could go again.

 

On Saturday we checked out our local ski shop and scored helmets at a steal of a deal.  Jack (and maybe me too) were so excited about the new helmets, we had to head out to the hill Sunday to try them out.  Kamden had soccer and was more than relieved he didn't have to go.  Jack and I headed out for the day.

 

 

We had a great day together.  He tried to pull his stuck in a rut routine (he is by nature, extremly habitual) by doing the one and only green run (it's a small resort) over and over but I wasn't having any of that.  And after one mild protest, he agreed that we would mix it up with a blue run every now and then.  It helped that it was easier to get to the lodge from the blue run than the green run.  

 

He had a smile on the whole day.  My heart was nearly bursting.

 

A sport he likes? That he is already talking about doing again this weekend?

 

We hit the jack pot (pun not originally intended but ha....).

 

I am equally excited.  I am not sure if it's because I have always loved skiing (true story) or because he is so excited about it. I think it's a combination of the two.

 

I was teasing him by asking if I looked like some of the pros we would see from the lift and he was polite but firm, "Mom, you are good, but not that good."

 

Naturally I made him video me so I could see for myself.  He's right.  I am not bad but I am no professional. And my stop made me laugh out loud.  Videos of both myself and Jack are here if you are so inclined.

 

We are scoping out equipment and have booked a hotel near Panorama, BC over New Year's next year. Grams and Pop may even come, it's been years since they skied and it's about time.

 

We are going to be a skiing family! Kamden is overjoyed.

My Valentines

I have three very important men in my life. This post is for them because I don't think it's possible to tell those that you love how important they are to you often enough.

My oldest son, the one who first made me a mother.

He's now 11 years old. Technically 11 and half. His teachers have always raved about his behaviour at school. He has been awarded student of the month every year since Kindergarten. This couldn't make his Dad and I more proud.

He is smart. He can do math in his head at a rate that surpasses my ability by about 100 times. He can also remember just about everything he has read and is full of interesting facts. He amazes me daily with this ability.

He is also very responsible and ensures he gets his school work done at school on time. Almost always. When he forgot last week, we couldn't even be upset. It was literally the first time ever. At home, he gets his chores done, almost always without complaining (he's not perfect after all) and helps out where he can.

He loves his brother fiercely. So fiercely that we have to sometimes remind him that Kamden is his own person and doesn't want to spend 24-7 with him. Their interests are diverging more and more as they grow and it's been hard to watch that struggle. They want to spend time together but agreeing on what they will do is not always easy.

I tell him I love him more than once a day and he always responds, "I love you too." I will never, ever, get tired of hearing that.

He is growing up pretty damn nicely despite my feelings of inadequacy as a mother. I am so lucky he is my son. He has taught me a lot and I have grown as a person because of him.

and then he went and did this on Valentine's Day:

This was after our family dinner out and the cards Jay pickted out for each of them.  He disappeared downstairs to my office and made this on the computer.

I cried.  Clearly we are doing something right.  Or despite what we are not doing right, he's turning out right.  Either way?  Score.

And then there is this guy. Who came along and showed us just how different two boys that come from the same gene pool could be.

He is easy going, silly, and loud. Case in point, the following video.

   
He specifically asked me to video him doing this and to post in on Facebook. How could I not?

He is all about soccer, football and mini sticks and would play any combination of them all day, everyday, if his brother had any interest in playing with him.

His antics have us laughing daily.  It's really hard not to love this kid.

He is also doing very well in school.  Math is his thing, he loves it and is very good at it.  He has also been awarded student of the month each year since Kindergarten.  Again, how could we be more proud?  It's one thing to have kids who do well in school.  It's quite another to have them recognized for their behaviour.  Now if they could save some of that behaviour for home, we'd be golden.

 I tell this guy I love him just as often as Jack but he only responds when he is very tired and forgets that the mushy stuff just isn't for him.  It's okay dude, I know you do.

And then there is Jay.  The one who walks beside me in this life.  This wonderful life we have the privilege of having together.

 

This summer, it will 20 years since we first met and became inseparable.  A little over half my life.  Thank you isn't adequate. 

 

He is my strength, my balance and ever present support.  I can only hope I am the same for him.

 

To borrow from one of our wedding songs (and his email to me this  morning):

 

I couldn't find another man

Who loves me like you do

I couldn't hold another hand

Who holds me quite like you do

Such a love was heaven-blessed

Couldn't find another man

Read more: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT - COULDN'T FIND ANOTHER MAN LYRICS

 

Every day, I love him just a little bit more and cannot fathom how I got so damn lucky.

 

Happy Valentine's Day!  May each of you have love, hugs and a little chocolate today and every day of the year.

Taking Winter by Storm

We've been busy. Kamden developed a new dance, patent is pending.

And don't worry, neither the floor nor Kamden were injured in the making of this video. Also, this kid, I just can't imagine our family without him.

 

My parents (and their dog, Mika) joined us a couple weekends ago to watch Kamden play in a soccer tournament.  They met the same team in the final as the last tournament but this time, Kamden's team won.  It was, to say the least, very exciting. The parents were, ahem, a little bit excited during all of the games.  The boys played so well and it was a proud moment when they won.

 

And life around here is pretty entertaining on a daily basis (related: I love that I get to work from home and be here for these moments).  This is a snap of the boys antics as they head off to school after lunch one day.



 

 

Pretty much a normal day around here.  Again, I assure you, no one was injured (this time) in the making of the above photos.

 

This past weekend was very exciting for me.  I have hoped for a long time that I could get the boys to strap on the boards and careen down a hill.  Wait, that didn't come out right.  Let me start again.  My parents made me strap them on when I was the ripe old age of 5.

 

Ahem.  That was no better was it?

 

Anyway.  I skied all through my childhood, starting when I was 5.  Living on the Prairies, we had to travel to the Rockies to ski but we did, annually.  I loved it.

 

I have put it off because Jack, well, let's just say trying new things is not an exciting experience.  But he has to go with school in a couple of weeks so... this past weekend, we braved the minus 35 degree Celsius (that is not a typo) temperatures and headed to a hill about 45 min away. It's no mountain but about perfect for beginners.

 



 

I had arranged for the boys to take a lesson as soon as we arrived. I might know how to ski but I was five when I started, I don't remember much about how I learned to ski.  I do remember skiing between my dad's legs and him drawing S's in the snow in the futile effort to get me to turn rather than going straight down (now you see why my dad caged me in!).

 

 

They both caught on very quickly in and in about 5 runs down the bunny hill had mastered the snow plow and were sort of turning.

 

 

And can I just say, T-bars, thank be to heavens they are obsolete.  This magic carpet system is the cats ass.  I cannot tell you how many times I fell off the T-bar making my brother have to also get off because he couldn't leave me behind.  I still owe him for that and about 10,000 other things.

 

 





And Jack, the one who was a bit frighted to try skiing took to it like a fish to water.  He loved it! Being the good mom that I am, I reminded him that I was right about that.  I am mature like that.

 

 Kamden liked it too but the poor kid takes after me and was frozen within a half hour.  We took lots and lots of warm up breaks and after I put those Hot Shot thingys in his ski boots to keep his toes from becoming ice cubes, he was having a blast too.

 

We even went up the chair once but um, that didn't go too well so we stuck to the bunny hill for the rest of the afternoon.

 

I was soooo proud of both of them for trying so hard and braving the ridiculous cold.

 



 

I can't wait to go again and maybe old man winter's fury will be a bit less next time.

Change Takes Commitment

2013 had a bit of a rough start for me in my second gig as a personal trainer. I don't want to talk about the situation in detail because that's not cool. And those of you whom are my confidantes are likely sick to death of hearing about it already. I have to give a shout out to you all though, you all know how to do the support and advice part of friendship right.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My first client broke up with me.  Before I started this new adventure, I thought I would feel like a total failure if that ever happened.  It turns out I was wrong.  The break up was mutual.  I let the client make the first move though because I am, after all, the "professional".  The jury is still out on that, hence the quotes.

I don't feel like a failure because this actually isn't really about me at all.  Okay a little bit, but I will get to that later.

My experience is fairly limited in that from the perspective of someone starting on a journey to getting fitter and healthier, I have only my own to draw from.

By the time I started working with a trainer, I had made the commitment to make it happen.  It being the journey to fit.  It's not a destination, it's a journey that I began five years ago and continues to this day. 

So when I came to my workouts, I was ready, willing and going to do whatever was asked of me. Except when the nausea set in because, of course,  that was my body saying "that's my limit" thankyouverymuch.

I wanted to be pushed past what I thought was possible for me. And I was almost every time.  I kept getting stronger and it would take more to challenge me and I loved every minute of it.

Okay, maybe I am weird but I also happen to know a lot of other people who feel the same way. 

To this day I love the strength and endurance my body can handle.  I would say with ease but that would be a bold faced lie.  But the key is that what it can handle now with a bit of duress is about 100 times more than it could way back then.  I think I did a total of three push-ups during my first fitness assessment, and I am probably inventing two of the three.  The other day, I did 30 consecutively.

In the meantime, I have become a runner, completing two half marathons, about five 10 km races and at least as many relay races.  Five and half years ago, I would have laughed like a hyena if you told me that I would do that.  Hysterically.

My point, right, I should get back to that.  My point is that if you want to make a change, whatever it might be, lose weight, get fitter, make a pinata, or remove the possibility of being on an episode of Hoarders,  you have do the work. With a smile.  And the smile comes with the fact that you know, despite how hard it is, that this pain will get you closer to that goal. 

And tasting that goal is a reward so sweet you will have a bounce in your step and grin on your face for a month.

I know from experience.  So trust me a little, okay?  Just a little.  But more importantly believe. Believe in yourself. Believe that the work will get you there.  Not today, not tomorrow but slowly and surely and safely.

And when you are working out, building a pinata, or cleaning out the pile of stuff that is beginning to resemble an application to be on Hoarders, give it your best effort.  No excuses.  Excuses are just you standing in your own way.

And if someone is helping you out, your trainer, your glue maker, or your daughter who can no longer come visit because the couch has disappeared, make sure that your personalities gel.  If they annoy the snot out of you from day one, they are probably not going to be able to motivate you.  Oh and this can be measured in direct proportion to the number of eye rolls and critical comments you direct at them, just in case you were wondering.

That's where this whole break up was about me.  Personalities are personalities and if they do not work together, they just do not work.  It's not you, it's me....or actually it's both of us.  So there is no feeling of failure because that is out of my hands just like the level of commitment and self-belief of the client.

It's part of the gig.  I was a bit naive going in but this was a great learning experience.  And I will appreciate my other clients (Hi C & RL, you rock!) and my trainer even more (she kicked my butt today and I loved it from the bottom of my  heart).

Amended to add this very fitting quote:

"What if I told you that ten years from now, you life would be EXACTLY the same? I doubt you would be happy. So why are you so afraid of change?" - Karen Salmansohn

Merry Christmas 2012

Christmas day we awoke to mountains of hoar frost and bitterly cold temperatures.

Cold but stunning.

After we did some sledding or as us Saskatchewanites call it, toboganning, I took my camera out to the back 40 of my parent's acreage.

It was worth it. I hope that this finds you well after enjoying a wonderful Christmas full of love, laughs and good food (the trifecta of a good holiday IMHO).

All the best from my family to yours for 2013

xoxoxoxox