We have two kids. Not necessarily by chance.
The choice was one that was hard wrought, filled with tears, heartache and turmoil. Jay and I agree on just about everything but not on this.
I felt, very strongly in my heart, there was one more little soul out there waiting to join our family.
He, to put it mildly, did not. He couldn't put into words why, he just felt very strongly that we were very blessed to have our two healthy boys. He felt, very deeply, that asking for more was asking for too much.
I'll be honest. About half of my desire to have a third was to attempt to fulfill a dream I have always had of having a daughter. I understand how unique is the bond between mother and daughter as I have had the tremendous luck to share this bond with my own mother. I always dreamed I would someday get to be the mother in such a relationship.
It is not to be.
And that is not to say that the bond between mother and son is not unique. Absolutely it is. But it is different. To be treasured equally no doubt. But still very different.
Mid 2008, after almost three years of going back and forth on this, we came to the conclusion of this story.
For too long we sat on opposite sides of the fence. For this, there is no compromise.
Our only solution, to end the heartache was to medically intervene. As of September, it is no longer medically possible for us to conceive children.
And then I found out I am menopausal. If that isn't classic irony, I don't know what is.
And I wonder, was his ridiculously strong aversion to tempting fate a unique way of preventing us from bigger heartache? I honestly think so. It all makes sense now.
And since I have gone on the pill and my hormones have stabilized, I feel that feeling that for three years I did not have. This:
is our family. It is complete. Full. And it's mine.
In 2008, I came to realize just how lucky I was to have what I have. I have not endured the heartache that others have had to bear. I had two healthy, uneventful pregnancies that resulted in those two precious healthy boys. There will undoubtedly be heartache in the future for us, after all, life is not all roses, but I cannot control that and I will bear it when I have to.
For me, 2008 was a great year. At the beginning of the year, I was in turmoil.
Now I am at peace.
I am in love.
I am happy.
There is nothing more required.