Thursday, January 01, 2009

There's a reason

We have two kids. Not necessarily by chance.

By choice.

The choice was one that was hard wrought, filled with tears, heartache and turmoil. Jay and I agree on just about everything but not on this.

I felt, very strongly in my heart, there was one more little soul out there waiting to join our family.

He, to put it mildly, did not. He couldn't put into words why, he just felt very strongly that we were very blessed to have our two healthy boys. He felt, very deeply, that asking for more was asking for too much.

I'll be honest. About half of my desire to have a third was to attempt to fulfill a dream I have always had of having a daughter. I understand how unique is the bond between mother and daughter as I have had the tremendous luck to share this bond with my own mother. I always dreamed I would someday get to be the mother in such a relationship.

It is not to be.

And that is not to say that the bond between mother and son is not unique. Absolutely it is. But it is different. To be treasured equally no doubt. But still very different.

Mid 2008, after almost three years of going back and forth on this, we came to the conclusion of this story.

For too long we sat on opposite sides of the fence. For this, there is no compromise.

Our only solution, to end the heartache was to medically intervene. As of September, it is no longer medically possible for us to conceive children.

And then I found out I am menopausal. If that isn't classic irony, I don't know what is.

And I wonder, was his ridiculously strong aversion to tempting fate a unique way of preventing us from bigger heartache? I honestly think so. It all makes sense now.

And since I have gone on the pill and my hormones have stabilized, I feel that feeling that for three years I did not have. This:

is our family. It is complete. Full. And it's mine.

In 2008, I came to realize just how lucky I was to have what I have. I have not endured the heartache that others have had to bear. I had two healthy, uneventful pregnancies that resulted in those two precious healthy boys. There will undoubtedly be heartache in the future for us, after all, life is not all roses, but I cannot control that and I will bear it when I have to.

For me, 2008 was a great year. At the beginning of the year, I was in turmoil.

Now I am at peace.

I am in love.

I am happy.

There is nothing more required.



Alex Elliot said...

This post really hit home in a lot of ways. I always thought I would have a daughter but my husband really doesn't want to have three kids. Now that my little one is leaving babyhood behind, I'm really seeing our family developing. I haven't gone through menopause but let's just say that Aunt Flow certainly needs to be checked into the psych ward because she's pretty screwy and with my mom having gone through early menopause I do wonder if that's what is going on. Happy New Year!

Elaine A. said...

Well you know this has been a point of contention in our house too. Although I don't think I have completely made peace with it yet, I believe I am on my way.

I am very glad that you are in this peaceful place now and you are right, you are SO blessed to have your two beautiful, healthy boys.

Happy 2009 my friend... : )

Ed (zoesdad) said...

And what is not to love about such a beautiful family!!

Contentment is easy to want--rare to achieve. You are truly blessed.

Leslie said...

I'm glad you are beginning to find some peace in your situation, Happy New Year to you and your precious family!

LVGurl said...

This is amazing, so beautiful and heart-felt. I'm glad you're at peace, and feeling so strong. You are truly blessed!


Hannah said...

Wow, I have goosebumps! I do think perhaps Jay had a "gut feeling" about it - somehow, a knowledge that things might not stay the way they were. You ARE blessed, indeed. What a sweet & heartfelt post, Kami!

mamatucci said...

That was touching and I think so many of us go through these things. I am glad you are at peace.


Lori said...

I too had to deal with the whole never having a daughter thing. And I too came to the conclusion that I'm blessed with two terrific boys and that is enough. They say that there is something special to be the mother of two sons... guess you found that in your relationship

Tracey said...

Women feel about children differently than men. I truly believe this. I think my own husband would have been fine with just our FIRST child!

I am sorry that you had such turmoil for so long. I completely understand THAT. But I am so glad that you are at peace with your beautiful family and family size.

Angella said...

This is absolutely beautiful, Kami. I'm in tears right now.

Love you, babe.

Stacie said...

awe, sweetie, that is beautiful!

teeni said...

Oh, Kami! I can totally relate to how much of an effect on our mental/emotional state hormones can have. They can certainly wreak havoc. It's amazing how delicate a balance the body needs to maintain for us to feel right. All those feelings you expressed for the desire for a daughter are totally understandable but I am so glad they are not keeping you from enjoying the wonderful family you do have! All my love to you!

All these B's and Me! said...

Awww Kami - that moved me so much to tears! We are all lucky for what god gives us in life and your family is beautiful. I hope you have a wonderful weekend sweetie.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Awww the pursuit of the elusive daughter I know it well ;) I was actually content w/2 boys, it was my husband that wanted one more... you know the rest.
You're a lucky lucky girl Kami don't ever forget it.

Kristin said...

What a great post Kami. I am happy for you that you have been able to work through this and come to a place where you are at peace with it.

Happy New Year to you and yours. :)

R Family of 4 said...

I watched you struggle
it broke my heart
i am glad you found peace
you can live vicariously through me ;-)
and i through you ;-)

Natalie said...

great post. very touching. peaceful and happy and feeling complete is a great place to be!

Ashley said...

Such a touching post! I am with you in that maybe there was a reason for not expanding your family. God works in mysterious ways. ;) You have a BEAUTIFUL family Kami!


Kristin said...

What a courageous post! So nicely you laid out your feelings. Sometimes our families can be both heartache and joy. I'm glad you have found peace and love.

Kellan said...

I am so glad you are at peace and YES you are very lucky and have a beautiful family!!!

Happy New Year, Kami - I hope that 2009 is the best year yet!


BeachMama said...

fabulous post. I am going to say that although we are not in turmoil, I still feel there is room for more, but there has been no agreement on this yet. I only have a couple years left so the decision may be made for me.

And for all the turmoil I went through for the two I have, I would say it was all worth it.

TuTu's Bliss said...

Hugs..I felt this way when we had two girls..blame it on want what you can't have. Plus mine was the fear of raising two girls in a world that sometimes treats women like prey. It is comforting to know that there are mothers like you with all boys raising them to love and treasure others. It makes raising two girls less frightening. Thank you. Jen

Anna-b-bonkers said...

Oh Kami! I am so glad to read that you have come to peace with this and you are feeling better.
Want to plan a get together for next week?

Misty said...

You know. I cried a little when I read this post. I totally get it. I am happy that you are feeling at peace in a way that you could not before. I HEART you.

Karen MEG said...

Oh Kami, I missed this the first time around... well, you know why.

But this is such a beautiful post, I'm glad you linked back to it. You have a wonderful, wonderful family. Completely beautiful. And how great it is that you know it and cherish it so.