Friday, May 11, 2012

Emotional Purge


A number of years back, there was an incident that still to this day make me ill to my stomach when I think back on it. I have never written about it because it was too raw, there were too many other people involved.   It's now been 6 years and I need to write about it.  This may change your opinion of me but it's part of me so out it goes.

It's the only time in my life that I have ever been looked at with such hate and vehemence. I won't forget that. EVER.

I'll start at the beginning.

About 6 years ago, I met a girl, about my age at a mutual friend's birthday party. She lived in the same city as us, had a child close to Kamden's age (at the time - babies they were!) and didn't know a lot of people as they were new to the city.

We hit it off and I invited her to be part of a splurge group I was part of. We were just finishing a round and had open spots.

It seemed perfect. A new friend, very exciting. I am not a very outgoing person and don't meet and hit it off with people that easily.

She brought another friend into the splurge and it all seemed to be going reasonably well. Though there were observances of eye rolling and such when some of us talked about our older children. I chalked it up to the fact that preschoolers just give more fodder than toddlers and thought, whatever, they'll understand later.

It was the first time in my life that I was part of a large group and felt comfortable.  The ladies were all wonderful, we had fun, we ate good food.

A well known fact about me, for those who know me, is that I am not a bubbly outgoing social butterfly.  Nope.  More of a wall flower, much more at ease in one on one or two on one situations.  Always have been like this and my children are every ounce the same.

After a while the fact that either of them could never bother to RSVP to a gathering was getting to many of us.  It was always requested.  Never once did it happen. Personally, I find such things rather rude and down right uncourteous.

People are busy yes, but too busy to write a one line email, c'mon.

I was quite subtle (oozing sarcasm) when they showed up at the gathering I  hosted having to frantically find chairs for them, I believe I even said, "oh I wasn't sure you would be coming as I never heard from you."  Oh yes, that subtle.

It was either too subtle or as became apparent later, they just thought the whole idea of RSVPing was so not 2006. 

Then came the kicker.  The event that triggered a fall out that even the most pessimistic Kami could not have predicted.

A good friend was organizing a team for the an all night relay event for charity.  Naturally she invited the group to join.  Via email.

Most of us responded.  Via email.  A foreign concept for 2006? I don't think so.

Long after the team was established, said girl asked if she could still be part of it.  The first question from the organizer was, didn't you get my emails?  She let her know that she wasn't sure at that point if we could add another but she would do her best.

I have no idea if this played a role in the fallout or not.  I had nothing to do with this part so probably  not.

Later, when it came to collecting the money, again, no response from this same, now infamous girl.

By this point I had it.  I mean REALLY? Is common courtesy gone by the wayside?

The funny thing is that in person, she oozed friendliness and courtesy. 

*Cough*  "Act* *Cough* *FAKE* *Cough*

Sorry, there I go again. I guess I still haven't learned my lesson.

I made a comment in an email to the team thanking the friend who had done all the work to organize us and collect the money to deliver.  It takes work to do this even when everyone is on their game and when they are not, well, it's more work topped with frustration.

The comment I made was something to the effect of thanks, who knew it would be this much work to organize a bunch of adults.

Was it the truth? Damn straight.

Was it okay to say?  Probably not.  And I was told as much by one person.

All in all, it wasn't the best way to handle an already bad situation.

During the charity event I sensed serious animosity from said girl.  I wasn't surprised, I knew she wouldn't have liked my comment. Of course, THAT email she read.  Murphy!
The kicker though was at the end of the very long night (it was an all night event. ) I chased after her to give her something she had forgotten.

She looked at me with such hatred and venom that it still makes me ill to think about it.

I simply turned on my heel and walked away. I wasn't going to deal with at that point.  No sleep.  Not going to happen.

So I didn't deal with it.  The next group gathering was at her place the week following.  I wasn't going. I mean, why would I?  It was clear she loathed my guts. I wasn't putting myself through that.  Also I have zero ability to be fake and act like nothing is wrong.

Selfish.  Yes, because when I wasn't there, she attacked my good friend who had organized the whole thing.  In front of the entire group.

That's right folks.  I still cannot believe that happened.

And this friend is one of the nicest, most loyal people I know.  She did not deserve one word of the hate hurled at her.

I wasn't there so I only heard about it second hand.  But from people I love and trust.  It got ugly.  Like into the nitty gritty about about why she felt there was no reason to RSVP to the gatherings -  she didn't care how many people would come so why is it necessary.  Etc. Etc. Etc. 

I have not seen this girl since she looked at me with hate.  And if I never see her again, it will be too soon. The whole situation is not something I can ever forget.  Forgive sure, but forget, never.

She never turned up at another gathering, and if I recall right, her gathering was the end of a round.  I stayed in the group one more year but the whole thing left such a bad taste in my mouth and I was no  longer comfortable with the whole group setting.  I loved each and every one in the group, I just preferred to see them individually or in smaller groups. 

After writing all this, I am not sure what my point even is.  Just that it stays with me.  I think I understand why it all happened but I am just making assumptions about her that are either true or false but it helps me forgive her and myself.

It's over.

And I hope I have learned that stating the blunt truth is not the best option.

Peace out.


Hannah Blair said...

What a horrible experience, Kami. Unfortunately I could tell a very similar story about a 'friend' that I had. I say 'had' because I had to make the decision to cut her out of my life. She was so incredibly toxic that I finally realised that she was having a negative effect on me, so I cut the ties completely. I felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders that day, and have felt so FREE ever since. I hope that writing about this and 'letting it all out' after such a long time will help you to feel FREE as well. You're such a lovely person, I cannot imagine how somebody could treat you that way, but I've learned that there are some truly hateful people in this world who just love to put others down (usually because they have incredibly low self esteem and it makes them feel good to be mean). I'm glad you walked away and that you have been able to move on. You're better off without that negativity in your life, anyway. Hugs to you, and 'bravo' for your honestly in writing this post.

Ashley said...

That sounds awful! I too have learned the hard way that my anger (which it takes a whole lot to push to the end) often ends up causing me to lose my tact. However, I do believe sometimes it takes being blunt to get through to someone. I work daily on taking a big breath before I speak because I've learned that once it's out my lips (or my fingertips) I can't take it back.

ps. I totally don't think you were wrong and I hate group settings so to me you're brave! :)

Mrs. Wilson said...

Emotional purges feel good, don't they? This also reminded me that I never paid you for the relay we did together. I know I always meant to and then I always forgot and now it's three (almost four?) (or just three?) years later. Argh!

I prefer small groups as well. :)

Angella said...

It's so horrible how such nasty people can leave such a trail of hurt and destruction in their wake. Purges help, though, and I'm glad she's no longer in your life.


Anonymous said...

Aw, Kami! What a horrible person to spew her hate like that over something so trivial. It sounds like it was her own guilty conscience and that she was misdirecting anger at herself. But she is an adult and that is no excuse. You don't need people like that in your life. I am glad you are still friends with the other women from the group but sorry she ruined the experience for you. Also, your friend certainly did not deserve to be the recipient of her venom after all the hard work she did. You did nothing wrong with the comment you made. It applies to many events concerning adults. They ARE tough to organize! So she is just plain rude for not responding whether through email or not. I get the feeling she is the type who wouldn't respond even it if was an engraved invitation hand-delivered to her on a silver platter! She just doesn't contain an ounce of common courtesy. Gah! Sadly there will always be toxic people like this in and out of our lives and I still have trouble finding ways to deal with it too. But you have nothing to feel bad about and I only think higher of you for not biatch slapping that witch.

Elaine A. said...

It doesn't sound like she was the nicest person to begin with, so it doesn't surprise me that things went down the way they did, but I am SORRY that they did. And I don't think there is anything wrong with honesty, when needed. I mean obviously you were not the only one who had a problem with this person and her actions.

Anyway, I hope writing it out helped. And if you need to me to come up there and kick some butt, I will but I'll just have to use my left food, not my right.... ;-P

R Royal Family said...

Yup that whole situation was crazy with a capital C but thanks for sticking up for me ;-) I'm so sorry it has affected you so much but im glad that you can purge and let go.