Sunday, May 31, 2009

We were on a BREAK!

This weekend, I broke up with my computer, temporarily. It was like the scene with Ross and Rachel, you know the one, where she said maybe they should take a break and Ross thought she meant go for ice cream. My computer thought I was just going for ice cream but I meant see you in 48 hours, hosta la vista baby.

I have been finding that I come down (my office is in the basement) to check my email "quickly" and before I know the black hole vortex that is Twitter/Facebook/Google Reader has sucked me in for far longer than I care to admit. So this weekend, because I knew I had zero work commitments (and I don't want to even consider how long it's been since I could say that), I opted to not even hit the power button on the old laptop all. weekend. long.

The weather here was gorgeous. I know some of you might not even believe me, what with all my ranting about winter and all, but summer actually does come to this place which I not so affectionately refer to as the Arctic.

These buggers where attempting a coup on our lawn:


Dandelioness craptolus. My dandelion digger was working overtime in between running through the sprinkler with the kids and other yard work. Can I just stop to say that my husband is the greatest? Well I am gonna. The yard is looking smashing thanks to a little elbow grease on both our parts (okay, okay, so he did the hard stuff, he's got the advantage of testosterone, what can I say?)

I happy to say that there now is substantially less yellow and a whole lot more green in the lawn now. I loathe dandelions with all that I am.

The time away from the internet left me time to ponder. To reflect. To wonder.

I am a million contradictions all rolled into one.

I am simple.

I am also complicated.

I am judgmental.

I am open minded.

I hold grudges when I feel wronged (also, I suck).

I am fiercely loyal.

I also push away to guard my heart.

Over a year ago, I dropped out of splurge group that I had been part of for three years. I dropped out for many reasons but one was the fact that I had a pretty active social life. The group had morphed and changed such that the people that were close friends, I spent time with already, outside of the group. The others were lovely people, but I barely had time for those that were dear to me and for other reasons that involved guarding my already tarnished heart, I opted out of the group.

Fast forward to now and it seems, like Murphy always dictates, my social life has slowed to an (almost) dead standstill.

As I am want to do, I wonder what I have done to push people away. There have been times when I stopped calling/emailing and low and behold that person dropped out of my life. I won't lie, that hurts. I guess there is a reason but eventually I wonder how I can stop offending people or whatever it is that pushes them away so that this doesn't happen.

Then I say, screw it, I am who I am, I am not becoming someone else just to keep friends.

But then I go back to the fact that I am a work in progress, and that I know better than anyone that there is always room for improvement.

The problem is, what do I improve?

So here I am. Stuck in the middle of that dilemma. Yes, it is close to that time of the month, why do you ask?

All the while knowing that those worth keeping as friends will stick around and those not worth it will drop out of my life. I just hope there are a couple left at the end of the day, you know?

I think part of the reason for the break from the internet is the realization that this on-line community that I have the privilege of being part of is fabulous, but it is does not, in any way, replace the need for real live friendships.

But it sure is a great place to lay it all out on the line to clear your head. Thanks for listening and don't hate me for hitting mark all as read in my reader. I still loves you, I just need to maintain the fragment of sanity that is left.

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14 comments:

Anonymous said...

kami,

people change and lives change and what once held you together as friends can change. but those that are true friends, will always be around. whether that relationship is on-line or in person, and sometimes the two come together. we are all a work in progress, constantly changing and evolving. i like you just the way you are. if i didn't, then i wouldn't have reached out to you. hopefully we can connect in person again. you are a wonderful person with a witty sense of humour. and you are one of those people that don't sugar coat the truth and to be honest, we need more of you in this world!!

:)

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you again, at least I assume you are the same person, for the lovely comment. I actually pulled this post last night but decided to republish because of your comment. It's wonderful that you have reached out to me and in time, I hope you feel comfortable enough to reveal who you are. I assume that I know you or knew you back in the day.

Anyway, thank you, your comment was lovely and I really do appreciate it.

Kami

BeachMama said...

Kami, you touch a soft spot for me that is most of my life. I have often found that if I stop reaching out I stop hearing from people. Shouldn't it go both ways?

I have had a slogan for many years with regards to friendships, 'I don't have many friends, but the friends I have I have for a reason.' True friends are there if you haven't called in a while or can't get away. True friends love you for who you are flaws in all.

We are all a work in progress and may you not change too much. Some of us love you the way you are.

nicole said...

Thanks for posting this. Not to diminish your feelings/thoughts, but I think we all go through these periods. I hope you find what you are seeking soon. :)

Elaine A. said...

A break is always good. I'm taking one in a few days when we go on vacation! YAY!

As far as the friend thing goes, I can relate in some ways too. We had a couple friend that just stopped talking to us all the sudden. It was so weird because they even still socialize with some of our other really good friends and I ran into the husband at a birthday party recently. But it's just so strange the way they stopped talking to us and I wondered what I did wrong, but I really don't think I did anything... Anyway, sorry for the long comment about me! I wish we could be IRL friends too... Darn geography!

Loukia said...

I agree with what Anna said above, that we are all a work in progress... we all have days like these... your true friends will always be there for you, no matter what.

jengacek said...

Thank you for sharing this. I also struggle with the same dilemma. If I call and email friends and I don't hear anything back then what do I do??? I keep trying but after a while I decide to give up! I know we are all busy but it's important to stay in contact with your friends! I mean really, how hard is it for them to make a 5 minute phone call or a write a quick email? You really find out quickly who your true friends are. Also, our friendships change over time (our children playing a big part in that)!

I'm glad there are others out there that feel the same way I do.

Angella said...

I left a comment on this last night - where did it go???

Sigh.

I know where you're at, and know that it will get better.

HUGS.

Kami said...

I have been making most weekends "off-the-grid" weekends lately. I love all you folk on the internet, but, I just find it gives me more time to actually spend DOING things, rather than just reading or writing about things, ya know? I love you just the way you are, Kami. You are one of my favorite internet besties :)

karenmeg said...

I had this long comment that sorta disappeared when I went to publish!!!

The short of it was this: are you listening to voices in my head? I was just talking to hubs about how I"m not the best "gal pal" material (as in, girls' night, girls' getaway)... I only have a couple of really close girl friends, one of which is my sister! I've seen friends drop off when things in our lives change... and I think that's normal. I tend to be quite reserved IRL, although quite out there on the blog.

But I think that true friendship perseveres through the many stages in life, and it's wonderful if you can reconnect with people from before, who show up again.

Good for you for your "break" as well... I think we all need to do that to get perspective.

Great post, Kami. If we lived closer, I'm sure I'd be hanging all over you whenever possible, that I assure you :)!

R Royal Family said...

I am glad to hear you had a good weekend, breaks are needed every now and then.

You are a fabulous friend one that I am so thankful to have IRL and you couldn't push me away even if you tried. and as far as I am concerned there is nothing about you that needs changing, I happen to like you just the way you are.

Lets do something to liven up our social lives because I too am lacking in the social department.

Hugs to you my friend, dont be so hard on your self :-)

teeni said...

Wow. It was nice to see the comment from anonymous and it just shows how one life touches another much more than they are able to realize. Kami, you are such a better writer than I will ever be and the confusion and wonderings you wrote about here go through my head constantly. I wonder what I am doing wrong that I don't fit in all the time but then I don't want to compromise so I keep many people at a bit of a distance even though I do care about them. I sometimes question whether they truly care about me as well (in real life and online). Ah, if life were only so easy to figure out and weren't such a delicate dance. But you voice so well what I feel and I love you for that. I can't imagine anyone hating you for trying to maintain some semblance of sanity in your life either! LOL. Go ahead and hit that "mark all as read" button. I have to do it myself every so often. :) Hugs to you!

anna-b-boknkers said...

Aww Kami, that was great! I know exactly how you feel. Only for me it has been that I have had no energy to cary on a proper friendship or conversation, that doesn't even make sense. Real friendships take effort. I am looking forward to the energy to get back at it....the weather helps too though;-)

Natalie said...

guess i should have read this post first! I just spent the last 45 minutes taking my reader from 647 posts to read down to 37 (31 once i mark yours as read). i feel better. REAL life has been in the way of my reading and commenting and i have to say that i have decided that wasn't really a bad thing! :-) i still need you in blog land though... i love your friendship and one day we will meet in REAL life!!!