Finding Me Again

My last post sparked another post, funny how that works. It seems that some of you can relate to my ramblings about finding myself on the other side of the mommy trenches. In fact, someone asked how I have gone about that.

I don't really think I did it consciously.

I realized that couldn't be the mother of small children forever. I think we all to often don't visualize beyond the early years of motherhood when we dream of becoming a mother. Once that phase passes, we wonder what we are supposed to do with ourselves. We lose what has defined us for so long, dare I say, even before we actually became mothers.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I was 4 years old and pretending with my dolls. Of course, being me, I was realistic about it, fully thinking that the only thing that might stop me is not finding my one and only. At age 19 I did find him and he, too, wanted children. It was no longer if, it was when.

And then I blinked and my baby was starting kindergarten. I remember feeling a bit lost and torn about the approaching first day of school. My days as a stay at home mom to little boys were over.

I wallowed in that for a bit and then like I always do, I moved on. The truth is, yes, that part of my life is over but my life is no where near over. In fact, when I sit down and think about it for 5.2 seconds, it is full, full of blessings.

Family time with boys that no longer need their butts wiped but instead can have intelligent, funny and deep conversations with me. We can play the adult version of Monopoly. Easily. There is much less screaming and crying and more laughing and joking (I know, I should be over the crying part but it takes time, you know).

Now that Jack and Kamden are almost 9 and 6 (gasp!), I have much more time for me. I get the impression that some mothers consider me time incredibly selfish. I never have but perhaps that is because I am a bit on the selfish side. Or realistic. I prefer to think it is the latter. Without me time, I get grouchy, resentful and down right awful to live with. I have never believed in being resentful, instead I make things happen. I prioritize. I make me as important as laundry, cleaning and work afterall I am a many things, mother being one of them.

This is how I found me again.

I watched other moms who worked from home. I took a risk, tried it out and made it happen.

I watched other moms who were fit and active and I wanted it too, so I made it happen.

I watched others take amazing photos and post them on their blogs. I was inspired. I picked up my camera and played. It's become a hobby that I love. There is no pressure, only joy because I can pick it up and drop it as wish. My aspirations are only to capture the memories for me and my family.

I watched (and still do) other moms and people be good friends. I am still working on being a better friend, mother, wife, daughter and sister. It's a life long journey. But again, it won't happen unless I make it happen.

I have always been a big believer in the fact that I am in charge. I am captaining this here ship and it goes where I choose. Naturally there are storms and waves that rock the path but that just gives me different choices and opportunities. I have to roll with it.

I think that I began to find me again when Kamden was only a baby and I made the decision to work from home and it's been a process and a journey since. That decision and each decision I have made since has been made with my heart.

When I was a kid and the song by Whitney Houston, "The Greatest Love of All" was popular, I remember my mom saying to me that she wished someone had told her to love herself when she was a kid. I have never forgotten those words and have tried to live by them. My philosophy is that if I don't love something about myself then I change it. Granted this is easier said than done but I have come to learn that never trying is the biggest disservice I could ever do myself or my family.

I am, and always will be, so many things, one of which is Mommy to these two incredible beings.