Men- o- WHAT?

First of all, thank you, thank you, and more thank you's for all the wonderful comments on my last post. I know it was whiney but I feel so much better for having gotten it off my chest. All your comments were like food for my soul and I can't thank you enough.

I have an inkling as to what some of the issue with my lack of inspiration to post.

You see, my body is going through a change right now and this change started about two years ago. I was in denial about it for a long time. I had all the symptoms but I was WAY too young.

Hot flashes, check
Irregular cycle, check
Mood swings, Hell to the yeah!

The hot flashes I chocked up to my new found love of coffee and the caffeine it contains. A simple switch to decaf should cover that. July and the sweat that poured off of me such that I frequently stuck my head in the freezer proved that little theory wrong. Just to clarify, I was the only one sweating, including my mother. No, she was laughing hysterically at me like I did at her when she was in the throes of menopausal hot flashes. We love each other like that.

Irregular cycles are nothing new to me, it took us much longer than planned to have Kamden due to 90 day plus cycles. And really, when not trying to get pregnant, you won't find me complaining about 90 days without Aunt Flo.

Recently, my doctor confirmed after several blood tests, my hormone levels are indeed that of a woman in menopause. Try to keep back tears when you are told that at age 34. I double dog dare you.

But in reality it was the initial shock and that has worn off. We are done having kids, so no concern there. I could have a bazzillion other things that would be much more severe. It just menopause.

Ha! Maybe that's an oxymoron.

Despite the diagnosis, I hadn't considered that I was suffering from moood swings until about 3 weeks ago. I had an emotional break down. Complete with headache inducing sobbing. Oh yeah, it was all kinds of glamourous.

I was talking to my mom when I started crying. I was talking about my oldest son and how he is way too much like me. Shy and too easily contented to sit on the sidelines not joining in with the other kids. It pretty much breaks my heart. The tears started.

Then the dam broke.....

All the stuff eating at me for the last little while spilled out, the least of which was Jack's shyness by the way.

It was liberating to let it out.

Not that I had been holding it in per se but I was holding back. Trying not to let stuff bother me, trying to pretend it didn't bother me as much as it really and honestly did.

But my mom, ever the wise one, suggested that maybe, just maybe, the sobbing mess that was her daughter at that moment could be because of the low hormone levels.

AHA moment, AHA moment (thanks for that Oprah).

So off I went to the doctor to discuss something I was previously adverse to. Hormone replacement therapy. Sounds fancy doesn't it?

It's not. It's the pill. That's right the same one millions of women use as birth control. At my age, that's all I need.

I am not overly keen on the pill for a few reasons, one being that Jay has gone through the procedure to make it impossible for us to have any more kids, the other being that I have heard the hormones are getting into our water supply and can't be removed. If that isn't frightening, I don't know what is.

But the lows, the valleys if you will. They were killing me slowly. It was time to do something. So had to put aside my reservations and go on the pill. It was for everyone's safety, trust me.

Alas, it's been three weeks and the sting of most of the stuff of my last post is lessening. And maybe, just maybe it is partly due to the balance that has been restored to my homone levels.

Either way, it's good to be me again.

Rut of magnificent proportions

I haven’t had the urge to write much lately…at least not that I could or would share here. I actually have a couple things that I would very much like to write about.

In fact, I did do a whole post on one of the events of late, one that really made me angry. However, the post is ranty and could be very hurtful should the person involved in the event read it. Since the whole blowup was about hurtful words and taking responsibility for your own words and how they might be interpreted, I best not be a hypocrite. However, writing about it helped me a great deal as it is want to do.

The other is an issue I would like to write about because it is one of those gut wrenching things, things that are not supposed to happen to anyone let alone a friend. But it is not my story to tell therefore I have no business writing about it here.

So I come to the rut that I am in. The one where I just can’t seem to find the time, let alone the passion to write about anything. And really, this shouldn’t surprise me because I am not a writer, I have never been a writer. Frankly stringing four words together in a coherent sentence was a feat for me not so long ago. I think I string them okay now but the coherent part might be up for debate.

When I started this site I had barely written anything beyond the bazillion or so accounting exams to obtain my accounting designation and, those frankly don’t count. Not too much feeling or passion in a business case response.

But in the first year or two I was a posting machine, posts up the ying yang, almost daily. Lately I seem to be lucky if I can pull together one post a week.

I think I might know why and I might even write about it because writing is good therapy and that topic will hopefully not offend anyone.

I also started worrying endlessly that my words here might be offending to some. And after being offended by someone’s words, that really hit home. I am always surprised at who reads this and who doesn’t. Some of my closest friends do and some of them don’t. Why I wonder?

I wonder if my posts offend people. I guess some of them must. I am very opinionated, I’ll be the first to admit it and it’s almost impossible not to offend someone when you express your opinion.

I have some super awesome friends in the flesh, and without them (and my family both immediate and extended), life would be fairly dull and lonely. They are supportive, even when I might be wrong, and for that, and about 1,000 other things, I love them dearly.

Life is about the relationships that you forge, not the stuff you accumulate. However, lately, some of those relationships seem to be accumulating baggage. And not the good kind, no fancy clothes or yummy treats but rather emotional baggage.

I tried to work one of those out by expressing my issues. It got me nowhere fast. And by nowhere I actually mean spitting mad. Nothing like being told your opinion doesn’t really matter to stoke a fire. I gave up. The relationship will survive, because we are family. But is it broken? Most definitely. At least civility will reign but beyond that only time will tell.

The other one, I haven’t even touched yet. With everything that’s be going on, I am not in the mood to tackle it. But I will because that relationship is VERY important to me and it will be saved. I know it will. All friendships have rocky periods and this is just one of them.

So there it is. My heart on my sleeve as always. Bear with me my friends, I will climb out of this rut if it’s the last thing I do.

Either that or I will grow thicker skin and get over myself. That would be a good thing I am certain.

Mini he

I know this kid! I mean, I think I know him but the problem is, this picture is circa 1970 something...

But he looks so much like someone who is around that age now....

The kid on the left, cheeseball smile...

Looks familiar doesn't it?

The platnum blondie there, repeating the same cheesy smile, hmmm.....

Maybe it's just because I know them both so well, the 1970's boy is Jay as a kid but when I saw these pictures all I could see was the resemblance between Jay and Kamden.

Either way, they are both stinkin' cute, no?

Parenting 101

Parenting is learned, but it isn't taught.

What?

That's right you have to learn the hard way. The school of "experience".

Is it fun?

Ill be honest, not usually.

I am I fast learner?

Let's just say I have some bruises. Does the term the school of hard knocks mean anything to you?

Kamden also likes to run head on into my legs when I am sitting on the couch. My physical bruises stem directly from those incidents. The other bruises are earned through blood, sweat and tears in this "job" called parenting.

Like many women, I had ideals before I became a parent. I never thought I would yell at my children. Or get frustrated and loose my patience. Or nag. No especially not that. I mean, my kids will listen the first time I ask them to do something.

*stops to shine halo and halos of future children*

I'll be honest. I do all of those things. Daily. Daily might be an exaggeration but I am being real here.

A guy I worked with once told me he had NEVER yelled at his kids. He also told me he made all his baby food from scratch. He also told me that once I had kids I would no longer recycle since it is so much work. Hmmm, I am I the only one who sees the irony there?

Well I do yell at my kids. I did not make all my baby food from scratch (I did make some, Jack spit it out and Kamden loved it - you win some, you lose some). And I do recycle.

*tries unsuccessfully to unbend and polish tarnished halo*

I have reached another milestone on this journey called parenting. Bribery.

That's right. One of the oldest tricks in the books. And one that I am certain very few parenting professionals would advocate.

But I did it. And guess what? It worked.

You see my Jack has an issue with pants. Well the issue is actually his lack of waist. The pants, well some them don't really stay up. To alleviate this problem in the past, I would roll the waist band up.

It had become a habit. He was rolling ALL of his pants even those that fit him properly. He had come to determine that his "waist" was somewhere near his armpits, so not only would he roll them but he would pull them up to kingdom come.

This resulted in it looking like he regulary walked around in flooded basements or he was channelling Steve Urkel.

Either way, it was more than this Type A could bear.

So after much haggling and *gasp* nagging (did I just type that?) with zero success, I struck a deal. If he could get through one day without rolling his pants he earned a whole full size chocolate bar that he could consume in one sitting (almost unheard of around here if Mom is around, Dad, well that's another story). If he could do it for a week? A whole $20 to spend on whatever he wanted.

After one week and two days I am happy to report that one seven year old has $20 to his name.

Habit broken = success!

Now if I could just "fix" this damn halo.

Oh hell what's the use, I'll just get a new one.

Happy Halloween

By day, mild mannered members of the squash family.


By night, glowing orbs.


Happy Halloween, may it be filled with ghost, goblins and chocolate treats!
(especially the chocolate treats - have you test tasted them yet? VERY important part of Halloween, don't forget!)

Imperfect Happiness

Hey there, remember me? It's been a week and half since I posted and I don't think I have ever gone that long without posting unless I have been away. We haven't been away.

I have been here, busy with nothing in particular, just the day to day stuff.

Last Friday when Jack had a day off school, I was chatting with my mom. I mentioned that the boys were driving me crazy and it was only 11 AM.

That's when she commented that all she reads on here is how much I love being a mom and how fantastic it is.

Um.

Yeah.

So guess what?

Perhaps I save the lovely flowery life is perfect BLAH BLAH BLAH for this. Maybe that's why I haven't posted in a week and a half. Who really wants to read that drivel all the time anyway?

I haven't been feeling the life is perfect sort of stuff lately. I mean, there's nothing wrong per se. Nothing at all. Maybe my hormones are out of whack yet again. They have a tendency to do that causing hot flashes that make me wonder if I haven't died and hit Hell with a fury like I never intended. If the hormones can do that, then the probably mess with my mood too.

The truth is that while I do LOVE being a mom and a wife, there are days.

Days when kenneling my children is really appealing. Apparently it is frowned upon though. Clearly those people don't have children.

Days when the lip from Jack has me madder than grizzly bear who has awoken from hibernation in the middle of February. When did 7 year olds start lipping off like teenagers anyway?

Days when I say things I really shouldn't to my kids. Calling your son a chicken is also frowned upon in case you were wondering. Not that I have done that or anything but that might be an idea for another post so that you don't all abandon me for being the worst mother on the face of the earth. I am pretty sure I am in the running for that honour.

Days when I neglect spending quality time with my children so I can get the laundry, cleaning, cooking, blogging, twittering and scrabble playing in.

Days when I spend more time yelling at the kids to hurry up and no time slowing down and loving them.

Let's stop here and give a shout out to my friend, guilt, shall we?

I can't do it all. I don't even want to fake that I can. Life is a balance and for the most part, I think I do okay. But is it perfect and lovely and wonderful and full of sunshine and rainbows all the time?

NOT EVEN REMOTELY.

And if I have portrayed it as such here, I must set the record straight.

We get crusty sometimes. It might be lack of sleep, it might be hunger, it might be hormones.

We have disagreements.

The kids fight and we yell at them to stop it in the name of all that is holy already.

But at the end of the day, would we change a thing.

No.

Well maybe the yelling and the not slowing down and the disagreements and and and......

But if life were perfect, you would have to wake me up because how incredibly boring would that be?

Me, myself and I

A long time ago, when the earth was green, I asked you, my dearly beloved, to shoot questions at me. Here they are, a tad before you are old and grey, answered.

Be still your beating hearts!

If you could travel ANYWHERE where would you go?

ANYWHERE? Whew, that’s a tough one. But if it was all expenses paid then it would have to be a two month long tour of New Zealand and then Australia. I am not sure I’ll be able to afford such a trip in my lifetime. Scratch that, I am certain I won’t for a few reasons but primarily because I chose not too work 24/7 and make copious amounts of $$$$ to pay for such extravagance. Give me a free trip and I am so there.

And then I would also like to go zip cording in the Amazon Rainforest, work in an orphanage in Equador (and maybe bring home 2 or 3 sweeties too), go on safari in Africa and eat sushi in Japan. Well maybe no sushi, I mean raw fish just doesn’t sound appealing, thank you but Japan does. I might just have to pack some peanut butter and a loaf of bread.

What is/would be on your playlist?

My playlist, hmm, that’s a good one. The only time I listen to music is when I am running. I like songs with some rhythm to keep me going. My favourite artist when I am running is…don’t laugh, please, it’s not like I am going to say Hannah Montana or something…well maybe it’s just as bad, I don’t know…Ashlee Simpson. You see, she has just enough teen angst (or young 20 something angst) and lots of beat to keep my feet a moving. Next would have to be Bon Jovi’s latest album, Lost Highway. This should come as no surprise to anyone who has been reading this for a bit. Other favourites include Kelly Clarkson (the first two albums only), The Dixie Chicks (they got sass., I like me some sass. And apparently they cause me to lose all grip of the English language. Ah well, never really had a good grasp anyway.) and my newest favourite is Daughtry. The lead singer was on American Idol. I have no idea what season but the dude is good.

What movie do you have to sit down and watch no matter what every time it comes on TV (even though you probably own the DVD already)?

Funny you should ask, you know, since I asked you to ask and all. Huh?

Anyway, I actually rarely watch the same movie twice. If I have seen it, I will flip away from it purposely. And DVD’s? We don’t own too many unless you count Toy Story, Cars and The Bee Movie. My kids do not share this trait with me. They will happily watch these 40 bazillion times.

But books, those I will read, then reread and then reread again. I think I must have a stronger visual memory because I tend to remember movies very clearly, yet when I reread a book after 3 or more years, it’s like reading it for the first time. And co-incidentally I prefer reading to watching movies. I am a bookworm and have trouble putting a book down until I have finished it. It’s like my crack really. The world stops when I am reading.

Sorry you asked now, huh?

What scent brings back the most memories and what are they?

The one that sticks out most in my mind is the scent of my Grandpa. A little bit of smoke and something I could never ever put my finger on. It was distinctly him though and I can still smell it in my mind as I type this.

For the most part, I don’t associate with smells strongly. Taste, now that is a whole other story.

What is one goal/dream/project you want to finish/accomplish that others may not know about?

I am coming to conclude that I am very much a goal orientated person. I have always had something to strive toward, getting an education, then a job, then getting hitched, then starting a family, then figuring out how to work from home to be here for my kids. In the last year, I have come to a crossroads. No more goals. The kids are almost both in school. My job is steady. The house is painted and decorated to the best of my ability. What is left?

Me. I became a project.

I began working out about a year and half ago, you know, that pesky “baby” fat needed to get gone (still working on that BTW). About 9 months ago I realized I hit a plateau and needed outside intervention. I started working with a trainer. The results? Amazing. Oh don’t kid yourself, I can still find sixteen faults with my body if you ask but compared to where it was, we have climbed mountains.

This spring I decided that I was going to kick running in the butt. I have never been able to run. Ever. Cough up a lung? That I had down to a science. My friend gave me a learn to run 10km program. I started slow. Run one minute, walk one minute. It was doable. I wasn’t coughing up lungs left right and center.

Fast forward 3 months and I have successfully run 10 km. And I didn’t die. This is a small miracle to me and proves, yet again, that I can do just about anything if I commit and do the work.

I now regularly run no less than 5 km.

And?

I am pretty much sure I will give a half marathon a go in April. That’s 21.1 km or 13 miles.

That almost blows my mind but yet, how incredibly cool will it feel to meet that goal?

Now if my body will hold up, I’ll be looking for a new goal come May of next year. Wish me luck. I will need copious amounts of it.

Oh and this half marathon thing is all Cheryl’s fault. She ran her third (at least) this June and it got me to thinking….She might be regretting ever suggesting that I give it go, what with all the emails she gets with my million and one questions.

When you were younger what did you want to be "when you grew up"?

Oh I shudder to think what I would have said, probably a teacher or a cowgirl or something like that, but probably, most certainly, not an accountant.

I did always know that I wanted to be a mother though. I remember being 4 years old and playing make believe and knowing that someday, if I was extremely lucky, I would have kids of my own.

Turns out, I won the lottery on that one.

Are you what you thought you wanted to be?

See above. But I like what I do. Okay, let’s rephrase that. I didn’t so much love being an accountant but I do love working with students who want to be accountants. I know, it’s so glamorous you can hardly stand it.

I have other aspirations though. I want to pursue photography as a hobby. I might, maybe, in the future learn to teach Pilates. This is not the end for me, well unless that bus has my number on it. As long as I have time I hope to continue to evolve. And of course, I will always be mom to two boys. I just hope I can to do that well enough, I mean is there really anything more important?

Are you done having kids?

L-o-n-g story short, yes. Unless there is some kind of medical marvel (picture Ross and Monica’s Father (Friends) saying this….)

Now that was fun, in a long winded, holy cow I didn’t ask for your life story kind of way.

Maybe you have more questions? Shoot away. It’s quite evident that I am happy to talk at length about myself.