Saturday, March 03, 2007

Moody

I have been in a mood lately, hence the lack of action here. One I don’t particularly care for. I am generally a pretty upbeat person. Let’s face it, life is good. I’ve got more than anyone should to quote Ashlee.

Oops, is that really uncool to admit that I listen to Ashlee Simpson?

Oh well, too late. And actually her music puts me in a great mood. Okay, now I’ve got INXS playing on Itunes – that’s better! Don’t have Ashlee on here yet but that reminds me to do that before I head to Vancouver for work in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, the mood, me no like. Stupid things have been getting to me. Mostly my ego. I have faults, and I generally do no like to dwell on them. Mostly because it does no good, I try to look forward and strive for betterness… but lately I think I’ve been failing.

As I look back over the last year, there are things that I don’t like about myself. Things that I have done and especially things that I have said without knowing the whole story. I am quick to jump to judgment. My cousin said something one day that hit home. Not everyone thinks like you do. She wasn’t referring to me when she said it, but as she said I thought, Wow. SOOOO true.

I thought A LOT about this over the last few months and I realize that often when I say some of the things that I say I am really in defense mode. I get hurt easily. So when I say things that are really not nice and should probably never be said, I am sort of lashing out so that I can protect myself. If that makes any sense at all?

Lately the only things that have been giving me any satisfaction are my wonderful family, my work and a couple really excellent friends. I have been very busy with a project lately and it’s been really rewarding and I think mostly because I have felt needed and wanted. I guess I need that. My family always makes me feel that way and I feel the SAME about them. And the couple of really excellent friends, well they make me feel wanted and needed just as much as I want and need them.

Yesterday was a particularly gloomy day in my head… the mood exasperated itself for no obvious reasons. Kamden had a couple temper tantrums which is rather unusual for him. I get mad which makes me feel about two feet tall…. And when you are walking down the street with your screaming toddler in his stroller sans coat, you get a LOT of looks that make you feel even smaller……

I ran out of Mommy tricks to coax him into his outdoor gear to pick Jack up from school and we left the house at 3:28 pm…… NOT my idea of a great way to end the week.

Thank goodness for my Jackson Brown. He knew I was feeling crappy so he gave me lots of hugs. Makes me tear up right this moment – he is such a wonderful little guy and he’s all ours.

At 6:30 this morning I realized why I was in such a state yesterday… PMS! Hopefully things will start looking up. And I will continue to be a work in progress. Maybe part of the problem stems from the fact that I just have to accept that some people will never be good friends… no matter how hard I try. It’s best to stop trying so I can quit lashing out and still getting my ego hurt. If someone pushes away, you have to let them go.

I have a few excellent close friends and that’s the type of person I am and always have been. I don’t do casual acquaintances that well. It’s all or nothing with me….another one of my faults I guess, or maybe it’s just a characteristic?

I don’t know but I am going to focus on the fabulous people who are in my life right now and not those that choose not to be. Because they probably have a very good reason.

4 comments:

Angella said...

Thanks for sharing, Kami. PMS could be a part of your funk for sure! It's been over a year since I had PMS, but it always hits me hard :)

Don't fret over those who can't make time for you. Forced friendships are never enjoyable. It sounds like you have been blessed with some great friends, and you already know you have a great family :)

You're a wonderful woman, and I'm sad I won't get to connect with you in Vancouver! Can you believe it's been a year?

:)

candace said...

Oh Kami I am sorry to hear you are feeling in the dumps. Maybe we should add an extra playdate this week ;-). You are a great friend. Truthfully I dont know what I would do without you. Don't be so hard on your self.

Anonymous said...

This calls for the original J LO

"All the things I seem to feel uptight about
Ain't so devasting after all
This must be what life is all about
Standing tall each time you take a fall

You, you, you make me smile
That's how I feel, boy
Whenever I'm with you
You make me smile"

Hope it helps

J III

Anonymous said...

methinks it could be the nasty,LONG, winter your having there..when sharons dad passed away in the late 70s, her mother,wanting to get away from sask.`s winter, moved to vancouver island..2 years later she moved back, saying,not seeing the sun from oct.-april depressed her..said she`ll take -35 degree lows but at least she can see the sun..weather extreems can play havoc with human outlook...L