I remember it all very clearly. I was 27 years old and had just had my very first child. A son. He was beautiful. But I felt strange. Not me. Motherhood changed me, I thought. I am no longer the calm, worry free person I once was.
I had glimpses of that person but this new neurotic mother kept shoving her to the side (assertive bitch). For months.
Honestly, I didn't think much of it. Motherhood is supposed to change you. It's normal. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't have visions of horrid things. I was just different from before.
It didn't help that nothing went how it was supposed to. Breastfeeding was a nightmare (newsflash, that is actually how it usually goes, go figure). I took ages to heal from my C-section (not sleeping for 4 full days in the hospital probably didn't help but I am going out on a limb there). And to top everything off, Jack was not gaining weight as he was supposed to (he didn't read the "book". Isn't there, like a law or something).
Add all of that to whatever was going on with me and I was a diabolical mess. I probably had really high expectations. I had never really struggled with anything (you know besides social skills) therefore I would fall into motherhood with grace and ease (clearly I was delusional).
But I perserved, with copious amounts of love and support from Jay and family.
And somewhere in the three years between boys, I came back to me. The neurotic worrier had fled for higher ground (she hated the rotten eggs I kept throwing at her).
However, I fully expected to go wonky* again when our second son came along. I had the first time, why not the second time?
But I didn't. I birthed him the way nature intended and the nurse placed all 8 lbs 3 oz of him on my chest and I was me. Still me.
I didn't find myself swinging between the person I am and the one motherhood temporarily made me.
And that is where Jay gets down on his knees and praises the higher power with all that he is.
* I don't claim to have had Post Partum Depression, because if I did, it was the mildest form of it possible. I feel like a claim like that does a disservice to those who do have the unfortunate luck of experiencing it. My point is that I thought I was fine. Anyone who asked me how I was would have been told I was fine. Good actually. It really wasn't until Kamden was born and I looked back that I realized I wasn't fine. I have a theory that a scheduled C-section didn't allow my body and mind to prepare for the life changing experience of becoming a mother, however, it is, only a theory.